What Happens When the Need to Please Others Undermines Your Self-Worth?
Discover how the journey from a middle school people-pleaser to a self-advocate has shaped relationships, self-worth, and outlook on life.
The Awkward Beginnings
Let's rewind to middle school—a time when my self-esteem was as fleeting as my past relationships. I was an awkward, nerdy kid trying to navigate my adolescence. In art class, I found myself at a table with three popular kids who, for reasons I now recognize as both patronizing and racially insensitive, dubbed me "Yoshi" from Mario Brothers. Back then, I didn't question their choice of nickname. To me, it was a ticket into their circle—a validation that, as a burgeoning people-pleaser, I craved. I thought that by conforming to their view of me, I would be seen, valued, and included. Little did I know, this was just the beginning of a lifelong habit of seeking approval through self-sacrifice.
Middle School to College: The Art of Disappearing
As the years rolled on, my tendency to please others solidified. Whether it was picking a restaurant or choosing a movie, my response was often a shrug and "I don't care; what do you want to do?" I became the go-with-the-flow guy. I was a chameleon who adapted to fit into others' expectations. This pattern extended to friendships and relationships. I wasn't just accommodating; I was invisible, blending into the background, my wants and needs rarely making it to the surface.
Interestingly, my assertiveness had a curious trigger: I had to be completely against something to make a stand. It's like I needed to hit rock bottom before I could voice my dissent. This lack of middle ground made me a model people-pleaser—always bending, never breaking, until I was pushed to my limits.
This ingrained habit of seeking approval also affected decisiveness. I often found myself caught in a loop. I second-guessed every choice I made. I constantly questioned if my decisions were correct. Instead of making assertive decisions, I would go in circles. I felt overwhelmed by the fear of making the wrong choice. This tendency not only drained me but also led to burnout from over-analyzing even the smallest decisions. It was as if my need to please others had made me incapable of trusting my own judgment. I felt paralyzed in the face of decisions. I kept constantly questioning my own choices.
Lessons from Relationships and Personal Growth
My longest relationship, which spanned three years, was a double-edged sword. On one hand, it gave me the strength and confidence to explore my own desires. On the other, I continued to prioritize my partner's needs above my own. The relationship pushed me to consider what I wanted but still left me playing second fiddle to my partner's preferences.
When I moved to San Francisco, I carried over the lessons learned from this relationship. I began to assert myself more, organizing events and social gatherings with confidence. I was finding my voice, discovering that people-pleasing could be transformed into genuine leadership and initiative.
From Self-Sacrifice to Genuine Relationships
Returning to Michigan to care for my father was a new twist in my people-pleasing saga. Here, the sacrifices I made were driven by love rather than a need for approval. This experience taught me the importance of quality relationships. My father's illness and eventual passing emphasized the value of being there for those who truly mattered. It was a bittersweet realization that shaped my approach to future friendships and connections.
Fast forward to Austin post-pandemic and I was again starting from scratch. I fell into old habits. I tried to fit in by being someone I wasn't—a bubbly overly extroverted version of myself. My attempts to please often left me feeling drained. I felt underappreciated. It was a harsh wake-up call. People often take more than they give, especially when effort isn't reciprocated.
I thought there was something wrong with me but in reality, I had placed too much importance on others. I forgot to consider who and what I truly wanted in the people around me. I was too focused on finding people to desire me rather than seeking out genuine connections that aligned with my own needs and values.
Navigating Professional Boundaries
Beyond my personal life, my professional life also reflected a tendency to simply follow directives. As a web developer, I delivered exactly what was requested, often without much room for my own input. However, transitioning to owning my own business changed this dynamic. While I still provide services and cater to client needs, I am now more selective about who I work with. I focus on finding solutions that balance our work together, ensuring mutual benefit and respect for both parties' contributions. This shift has allowed me to uphold my professional integrity and find greater satisfaction in my work.
Finding Balance and Valuing Yourself
As I turn one year older, I hold on to new values. For years, I had gone all out for my close friends' birthdays. I only felt let down when my own special day came around. This year, I resolved to protect my happiness from external disappointments. Yet, even without grand gestures, I noticed that many of my closest friends didn't acknowledge my birthday. It forced me to confront a hard truth: my people-pleasing had set unrealistic expectations for reciprocity. The reality is that many people are wrapped up in their own lives. Should I be upset that they didn't prioritize my birthday? Or is it time to accept that not everyone will meet my expectations?
The Journey Forward
Navigating life as recovering people-pleaser has been both challenging and enlightening. My experiences have taught me that true connections aren't built on endless giving. They also aren't built on unrequited effort. They are built on mutual respect and genuine appreciation. It's not about receiving a return on investment. It's about understanding that value in relationships comes from both giving and receiving in a balanced way.
It's about learning to value yourself and setting boundaries. You must recognize that not everyone you meet will match your level of commitment. Ultimately it's about finding those who see and appreciate you for who you truly are, not just for what you can do for them. And if they can't appreciate you, then just make sure to get something out of the situation. Just kidding—mostly.